


the first duty is to truth

by moonlitelupines



Category: Crooked Media RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Trek Fusion, Developing Relationship, Flashbacks, M/M, Medical Procedures, Mental Health Issues, Physical Disability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, the boys make out don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:57:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23869054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitelupines/pseuds/moonlitelupines
Summary: Stardate 2247.101Three years after his accident, Lovett begins the slow, painful process of recovery. All it took to convince him was escaping an alien world, fighting Klingons, and a Starfleet diplomat brave enough to go on the journey with him.A Star Trek AU
Relationships: Hanna Vietor/Tommy Vietor, Jon Favreau/Jon Lovett
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27
Collections: Crooked Exchange 2020





	the first duty is to truth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [speakingwosound (sev313)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sev313/gifts).

> Dear speakingwosound,
> 
> I hope you enjoy this. I had a lot of fun playing in the Star Trek sandbox again. 
> 
> Okay, so this fic takes a bit of explaining. I originally set out to write an epic Star Trek adventure set a little less than two decades before The Original Series. In the process of writing that fic, I realized that I had undertaken something that was going to need a lot more time and care than I was able to give for this exchange. So, I decided to write an outtake from that larger story instead. I promise to complete the larger fic and post it ASAP! Just think of it as getting two fics for the price of one!
> 
> Timeline wise, this fic takes place after the main action of the larger fic and before the epilogue. I've done my best to make this a standalone fic that doesn't require any knowledge of the story I am still working on.
> 
> This fic does deal with issues of disability and mental illness, specifically PTSD, so if you'd like a more detailed warning, please see the end notes. I've tried to be as sensitive as possible with this topics and to do them justice. Please let me know if I've mistreated them in anyway.
> 
> Thank you to my lovely betas, who held my hand while I made some difficult decisions.
> 
> As always, keep it secret, keep it safe.

Stardate 2247.126

“You can take your patronizing platitudes and shove them up your ass, Commander!”

Jon stands and shares an awkward glance with the ensign stationed at the front desk. A moment later, Lovett comes storming out of an office, limping even with his crutch. He’s breathing heavily and almost walks into Jon before he notices him.

“Don’t start,” he snaps, stepping around Jon to exit the lobby. Jon winces, apologizes to the ensign, and follows him out. 

This isn’t the first time, and Jon suspects it won’t be the last, that Lovett has left a session with a therapist early. It’s been like the 21st century practice of pulling teeth to get him to agree to see a therapist, any therapist, let alone one from Starfleet. But everyone said Dr. Black was the best.

He finds Lovett sitting on a bench a few meters away, head in his hands. As he gets closer, Jon can see the slight tremor in Lovett’s shoulders. He wants to reach out and comfort Lovett, but he’s not sure how well received it would be. 

This thing between them is still so new.

Instead he sits down next to Lovett, close enough that Lovett knows he’s here but not so close they’re touching, and waits. Eventually Lovett pulls his head out of his hands and looks over at Jon with tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I thought this would be easier,” he says, voice rough. 

“I know,” Jon says softly. “No one is expecting you to do this overnight though.”

Lovett’s chin wobbles as he takes a shaky breath. “What if I never…?”

“Hey, don’t,” Jon says. He cups Lovett’s face with one hand, wiping away a tear. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

A sob is the only response he gets. Lovett falls into his arms, pressing his wet face into Jon’s neck. He wraps his arms around Lovett and holds him until his tears die down. The sun has set by the time they separate. “Come on,” Jon says. “Let’s go home. Pundit’s waiting.”

***

  
2247.101

“We’ll be back in a few months,” Hanna says, squeezing Jon one last time before letting go. “You and Lovett can send us a message whenever.”

“I know,” Jon says. 

She and Tommy are the last to return to the Hope, hanging back for last minute goodbyes. Dan and the rest of the crew left this morning to prepare the ship for launch. They should be back to Earth in mid June after completing a few transport jobs. This isn’t goodbye forever.

Jon smiles at her and gives her a quick peck on the cheek. “I’ll take care of him,” he whispers in her ear.

The smile she returns is watery but happy. “I know you will.”

A few feet away, Tommy and Lovett are having their own goodbye. Jon knows this is hard for them. They fought so much on the trip back to Earth; neither of them would tell him what their disagreement was about, but Jon knows it started long before he ever set foot on the Hope. 

They’re not fighting right now, thankfully. The last few days have certainly cooled down their hot tempers— who knows if the open hostilities will continue once they’re out from under the scrutiny of Starfleet Command. Jon thinks the time apart will be good for them though. They’ve been in each other’s pockets for almost three years now. 

Lovett stands hunched over his elbow crutch, looking up at Tommy, as they converse. Slowly though, he starts to straighten, to stand with a bit more of the bravado Jon has seen in much more stressful situations than this. Lovett says something, a knowing sparkle in his eyes, and Tommy nearly bends over backwards with laughter. 

“He’s the only person I’ve ever seen make Tommy laugh that hard,” Hanna says. “Dan and I have gotten him to chuckle, but Lovett’s the only one to get past all the Vulcan stoicism his dad forced on him.”

The two share a long hug and when they pull apart, both are a bit glassy eyed. Hanna approaches slowly and gives Lovett a hug of her own.

Jon stands a bit awkwardly to the side.

“Thank you for your help, Jon,” Tommy says, standing stiffly in front of him. “We would not have completed our mission without your assistance.”

“No need to thank me, Tommy,” Jon replies. “I was just doing what a good officer would do.”

“I assure you, you did more than that. Your promotion is well earned.”

“Oh my god! Just hug already,” Lovett calls out.

Jon laughs and says, “You heard the man.” He wraps his arms around Tommy and is relieved to feel him do the same.

They separate. Tommy smiles at him and then returns to Hanna’s side. 

“We have to go,” Hanna says. “We’ll celebrate your birthday when we get back, Jon. I’m sorry we’re not going to be here on the day of.”

“How did you know—”

“Please, personnel files are the easiest thing to hack,” Lovett says, a smug smirk on his face. Even with his eyes red and puffy from crying, he’s the most beautiful man Jon has ever seen. 

“You should leave before he starts implicating you in any more of his crimes,” Jon says.

Lovett rolls his eyes. “If Starfleet didn’t want me to hack their files, they would have done a better job encrypting them.”

“That’s our cue,” Tommy says.

They say goodbye one last time and then Tommy and Hanna head off to use one of the nearby public transporters. 

“I guess this is happening then,” Lovett says with a sigh when their friends have disappeared into the crowd.

“This,” Jon says, “can be whatever you want it to be.”

Lovett searches his face for a long moment. He steps up to Jon and kisses him softly on the lips. “I want this,” he says. “You and me.”

Jon grins, feeling light and warm. He takes Lovett’s hand in his own and brings it up to press a kiss onto Lovett’s fingers. “I want that too.”

***

  
2247.103

“I’ve made arrangements for you to meet with Dr. Tanya Somanader,” Ben says. “She’s our best ortho-muscular specialist. I consulted with her when I first worked on your leg.”

Lovett glances at Jon. He never told Jon how he knows Ben beyond him being Dan and Tommy’s friend. Jon gives him a small smile and holds his hand out for Lovett to hold. It’s comforting having him here. He’s so easy to be around. Lovett puts his hand in Jon’s and gives it a squeeze.

“She has your updated file. I made an appointment for you with her. It’s in an hour, but if that doesn’t work for you, my assistant can help you reschedule.” 

Lovett takes a deep breath. “No, that’s good,” he says. “Thank you, Ben. For everything.”

“I’m just glad I can help more than I was able to before,” Ben says. 

They say their goodbyes and make their way out of Ben’s office. Ben’s assistant gives them the information they need for Lovett’s appointment. Dr. Somanader’s office is on the other side of the sprawling medical campus. It’s not a long walk, but Lovett’s leg is aching even more than before when they finally arrive.

The building is thankfully only one story. 

Lovett walks up to the front desk and says, “Hi. Uh, Jon Lovett for Dr. Somanader.”

The nurse types in his name and then says, “Starfleet ID?”

“Oh, no, I don’t-I mean, I’m not in Starfleet,” Lovett says, caught off guard. “Not anymore.”

She gives him a tight smile. “Yes, sir,” she says. “I still need to verify your identity for the system. Your identification number will suffice.”

Oh. That makes sense. Ben said he made arrangements for Lovett to use Starfleet facilities; obviously, he meant that he was going to use Lovett’s old credentials.  
He tells her his identification number and then rank when she asks. 

“If you’ll follow me, Lieutenant Lovett, Dr. Somanader’s office is this way,” the nurse says. She steps out from behind the desk and gestures for Lovett to follow her.

“Please don’t-you don’t have to call me Lieutenant,” Lovett says quickly. Jon joins him as they walk down a hall of offices.

“We’re required to refer to all retirees by their rank, sir.” 

“I’m not—”

“Don’t worry about, Lovett,” Jon says quietly.

They stop in front of an office with an open door. “You can go right in. She’s expecting you.”

“Thank you, ensign,” Jon says, ever the consummate Starfleet officer. 

Dr. Somanader’s office looks more like an exam room than an office. There’s a table for patients to sit in the corner and various pieces of medical equipment around it. Dr. Somanader is sitting behind her desk, reading over a PADD. Lovett knocks hesitantly on the door to get her attention.

“Hello! Are you Lieutenant Lovett?” she asks, coming out from behind her desk to greet them.

“Just Lovett is fine,” he says. They shake hands.

“My apologies,” she responds without skipping a beat. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Lovett. You can call me Tanya, if you’d like.”

She and Jon introduce themselves, with far more formal a greeting than Lovett has ever used. She then asks Lovett to take a seat on the exam table; Jon catches his eye, a silent question in his gaze, but Lovett waves him over to one of the chairs by the desk.

“Captain Rhodes sent over your file,” Tanya says. “I’d like to ask you some questions and then we can go down the hall for an electron bone scan. That work for you?”

Lovett nods. “Fire away.”

*

  
Forty-five minutes later, Lovett is exhausted. He’s gone over every detail of his accident on the Eisenhower, explained how far he got into his recovery plan before he left Starfleet for good, and told her everything he could about what he did with Abdul aboard the Hope, including how many times he’d been forced to use an emergency hypo. He’s so mentally tired and overwhelmed he could cry.

Jon made his way over to him at some point during his retelling of the accident, a steady presence at his side.

Finally, though, Tanya says she’s ready to take him to the scanners.

They walk slowly to the other side of the building where the imaging equipment is kept. The room is filled with an assortment of scanning devices, all for different parts of the body and for different kinds of images. In the very back of the room, partitioned from the rest of the equipment by a row of frosted glass, is the full body bone scanner. It’s a new piece of technology that wasn’t around when Lovett was first getting treatment.

Tanya leads the way to the back of the room and stands next to the machine.

It’s not as big as Lovett would expect but then, this kind of technology didn’t need to be huge to get the kind of images Tanya is looking for. “This is our electron full body bone scanner,” she explains. “You’ll go into the imaging chamber and it will do a full body scan. Then it will take another pass over areas of concern, such as your femur and hip. I want to see how much strain your injury has been putting on your other bones. It should take about twenty to thirty minutes.”

Lovett barely processes what she’s telling him. All his focus is on the imaging chamber. There’s a metal hatch covering the entrance so he can’t see inside it, but Lovett can tell it’s a small space.

Tanya tells him to put on a gown and when he’s ready, she’ll open the chamber for him. Jon is by his side as soon as she leaves to give him privacy to change.

“Are you going to be alright in there?” he asks. “We can see if there’s another way to get the scans.”

“I can do it,” Lovett says roughly. “It’s not like before. I can see the door and I’ll shout if I need out. It’ll be okay.”

Jon doesn’t believe him. Lovett can tell by the downturn of his lips and furrow in his brow. Lovett’s not sure he believes himself very much either, but he needs to do this. He promised everyone he would do this.

Jon doesn’t push him. Instead he brushes Lovett’s curls from his forehead and places a kiss on his brow. “I’ll be right outside,” he reassures.

He changes into a gown and lets Tanya know he’s ready. The machine whirls into life and the imaging chamber door rises up and a patient table slides out. Over the intercom, Tanya directs him to lie down on the table and get comfortable. “We’re going to do the full body scan first,” she says once he’s situated. “Try to stay still.”

The table slowly slides him into the imaging chamber. It’s as small and dark as he expected. The door lowers, closing him in. He takes a shaky breath.

He can do this. Just like an access tube on the Hope. Except on the Hope, he keeps the hatches open while he works or sends Travis to do the jobs deep in the ship.

The scanner makes a deep thudding sound as it warms up, not unlike the sound a warp engine makes when it’s cycling plasma through the conduits. It’s a sound he’s intimately familiar with. The thudding speeds up until it creates a steady thrum throughout the chamber.

It’s so loud.

If he were in an engine room, he would be concerned for the warp core. Engines only make that much noise if there’s a plasma leak somewhere in the system. Someone should really look into that—the whole ship could blow!

His breathing starts to match the thrumming echoing in the dark, cramped chamber. He feels flushed, like he’s running a fever or standing too close to an open flame. The air feels thick and warm. This isn’t right, this is what it’s supposed to feel like.

Why isn’t anyone fixing the core?! 

Oh, god, he has to do it, doesn’t he? He has to be the one to climb up the side of the warp core and make sure the starboard nacelle doesn’t run out of warp plasma and shut down. The port nacelle was damaged in the last attack—this is their only hope of escaping the Klingons…

It’s too dark! How is he supposed to assess the situation if he can’t see? He reaches his hands forward; he’ll just have to do it by touch…

There’s a bright flash of light, stinging his eyes. “Okay, Lovett, the first scan is done. Now I’m going to look at your leg. Stay still.”

“Stay still, Lovett! We’re going to get you out. Just a little bit longer,” Travis shouts through the debris keeping him pinned next to the warp core. It’s so hot and his leg is screaming in pain.

He can’t breathe. The air is so hot. He needs to get out of here. He’s—he’s going to die in here!

“Someone, please, help me!” he shouts. He can’t move his legs and his arms feel so heavy. “Let me out! Let me out!”

He hears the sound of a phaser saw against metal. No, no, no! That’s not a good idea. “Stop! You’ll ignite the plasma!”

There’s another blinding light and “Almost done, Lovett. Just keep still.” 

He cries out in pain as a blast of hot plasma hits him on his left side. 

“Shit! Lovett, are you okay?” Travis shouts. Lovett sobs into his arm as his left side burns. “You idiots! Put the phaser down. We have to move the debris out of the way. Lovett, we’re coming for you!”

Please, get him out of here. Everything goes quiet on the other side of the metal. “No, don’t go away! Don’t leave me here! Please!”

The ground under him starts to shake and slide. Oh no, the floor is buckling in—

“Hey, hey, Lovett, it’s okay. You’re okay.”

Everything is so bright; he can’t see anything. Is he dead? He feels like he’s drowning, he can’t get enough air into his lungs. 

Warm hands cup his face. “Lovett, look at me,” someone says. Their voice is calming. “Hey, it’s me, it’s Jon. You’re at Starfleet Medical. You’re safe.”

He shakes his head. No, he has to get out of here.

“Jon, please,” the voice says. “Breathe with me. In. And out. Come on, in. And out. Good. Again.”

Together he and the voice—no, not voice, Jon. That’s Jon holding him—slowly bring his breathing back under control. He can see the room around him now. It’s a stark white room with medical equipment all around. Tanya stands over Jon’s shoulder, worry pinching her brows.

“That’s it,” Jon says. “Good job. Are you back with us?”

Lovett nods and grabs onto Jon tightly as he sobs into Jon’s shirt. Jon holds him just as tightly, rubbing his hand up and down Lovett’s back. Lovett’s not sure how long he cries in Jon’s arms. At some point, Jon managed to move them to a bench and placed Lovett in his lap while his sobs wracked his body.

His tears subside eventually. He pulls away from Jon and wipes his wet face with the tissue Jon hands him. He doesn’t trust his voice just yet.

“Here, have some water,” Tanya says. She hands him a cup of water; his hands are shaky still but he manages to drink the whole cup without spilling. He didn’t know how thirsty he was until he took a sip. “Want more?”

Tanya hurries off to refill his cup when he nods. He rests his head on Jon’s shoulder. When she returns with his water, she takes a seat on the chair across from them. She gives him time to drink.

“Can you tell me what happened, Lovett?” she asks softly. He shakes his head. He can’t explain it without breaking down again. 

“Was it a panic attack?” she asks. He shakes his head.

“I’ve seen something like this before,” Jon says. “When he got back to the ship, when he took the emergency hypo on Zibalia, he was really out of it. Fighting the doctor and his friends. He was having a flashback of the accident.”

“Is that what happened today?”

Lovett nods. He can still hear the warp core echoing in his head…

“It was the dark and the uh, small space,” he whispers. Jon tightens his arms around him.

“Is he okay?” Jon asks.

“Physically, he’s fine. Still has a slightly elevated heart rate but it’s coming down. “Emotionally, I can’t say.”

Lovett sighs. “Can we go home?” he asks Jon.

“I would be remiss if I didn’t recommend you speak to a psychologist, Lovett,” Tanya says. “Given your history of flashbacks—”

“Thank you, Dr. Somanader,” Lovett says flatly. “But I just want to go to sleep.”

Tanya opens her mouth to argue but stops. She nods. “Of course,” she says. “I’m going to have a wheelchair brought over. Just to the entrance, okay?”

Lovett nods. He’s really too tired to walk all the way from here to the front entrance. She walks out to have the wheelchair bought over. Jon helps him to stand on his good leg and together they get Lovett dressed in the clothes he came in with. When a nurse comes in with the wheelchair, Lovett sinks down heavily.

At the front entrance, Tanya says, “I’m going to call you in a few days to check up on you. We can talk about all our options then.”

“Thank you,” he says wearily.

They say their goodbyes when the taxi Jon called pulls up in front of the building. Jon wheels him over and helps him get in. Lovett tries to keep his eyes open on the ride back to Jon’s apartment, but he’s exhausted, physically and emotionally. He falls asleep resting against Jon as he exchanges pleasantries with the driver.

***

2247.105  
Lovett stays in bed for the next day and a half. Pundit is by his side the entire time, except for a ten minute walk that Jon was able to convince her to take while Lovett was asleep. He doesn’t respond when Jon comes in to check on him throughout the day and the food Jon leaves for him goes untouched.

Jon is worried and more than a little out of his depth. He wonders if he should call Hanna to see if she knows what he can do to help. Though, Lovett probably wouldn’t want her to know about this.

He’s just finishing eating dinner when he hears the sound of footsteps come from the bedroom. Lovett walks in, holding Pundit in his good arm; he’s got the duvet from the bed wrapped around his shoulders like a cape. His hair is a mess and his eyes are red and puffy, but Jon has never been so happy to see him.

“Hey, you’re up,” he says. 

“Y-yeah,” Lovett says, voice rough. The plops down at the dining table with a sigh, like the walk from the bedroom has exhausted him.

“Do you want something to eat? I just finished, but I can replicate something.”

Lovett nods. “Uh-some soup?” he asks.

“Sure. What kind?”

“If I-uh-gave you a recipe, could you program it into the replicator?” Lovett asks.

“Of course, Lovett,” Jon says reassuringly. “Is it on your PADD?”

Lovett nods. Jon goes into the bedroom to retrieve Lovett’s PADD and then, once Lovett’s pulled up the replicator recipe for his mom’s matzo ball soup, goes to program it into his own replicator. He makes sure to keep it saved.

Later, after Lovett has finished a bowl and eaten most of a second, Jon asks, “are you feeling better today?”

Lovett winces. “That doesn’t happen often,” he says to his bowl. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Lovett, that’s not what I meant.”

He gets a shrug in response.

“I don’t know what you’ve been through,” Jon says. “Not really. But it’s okay to be affected by it. You don’t have to be sorry about that.”

“It was three years ago,” Lovett says, frowning.

“And I’m still afraid of shuttle pods after one bad flight when I was ten,” he counters. “There isn’t some magic timeline for when you’re supposed to stop being affected by something traumatic.”

Lovett stares at him for a long moment. “I’m not good at this,” he says finally. “At talking about it. I wish I could just forget it happened but…” 

He can’t forget about it because of his leg. Jon can’t imagine how hard it is to be reminded daily of the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. Lovett’s a stronger man than he is.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, “ Jon says. He reaches out and takes Lovett’s hand in his. “But talking to someone might help.”

Lovett swallows. “I’ll think about it.”

*

2247.108

A week later, Lovett comes storming into the apartment, flushed and angry.

“Someone needs to take away that asshole’s medical license!” he says as soon as he’s in the room. “I’m going to lodge a complaint, Jon. This man works with children! He’s going to tell some kid to just accept the abuse and get over it! He can’t just say shit like that.”

“Whoa, wait a minute,” Jon says from the kitchen. He walks out to the dining room where Lovett has flopped down in a chair. “What’s this about children? I thought you went to see Dr. Rubio today.”

“I did! And he’s a fucking moron,” Lovett says. “A kid came out of his office right before my appointment in tears. No fucking wonder! He’s so stupid he probably told the kid some garbage like they deserved whatever happened-- or to have compassion for their abuser. Ugh.”

“Is that what he told you?” Jon asks, anger growing in the pit of his stomach.

“Yes! No. I don’t know,” Lovett says. He buries his head in his arms on the table. “He said so much shit about coming to terms with the things we can’t control and how 'everything happens for a reason.' And he kept interrupting me to interject these smarmy little digs about how I should have come in sooner.”

Jon takes a seat near Lovett. “Hey,” he says softly. “He’s not the only therapist in San Francisco. There’s more names on the list Dr. Somanader sent. You’ll find someone you like and isn’t a total dick.”

Lovett gives him a watery chuckle. “He was such a dick, Jon. I wanted to punch him so badly.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t do that,” Jon says. “Dan and Tommy aren’t around to boost you from another jail cell.”

“Oh, ha ha,” Lovett deadpans. “If I remember correctly, you were right there with me buddy.”

Jon smiles fondly. “Yeah, I was.”

*

  
2247.11

They haven’t done anything more than make out since they returned to Earth. There hasn’t been time. Jon’s been swamped at work dealing with diplomats from other Federation member planets that think Earth is using their sway too much or not using their power enough. It’s been exhausting.

Lovett’s been meeting with Dr. Somanader and a few of her colleagues to complete various scans and tests. He came home yesterday tired and short tempered. Thankfully he hasn’t needed another full body scan.

Tonight, though, they’re both in high spirits. They went out to Jon’s favorite Italian restaurant. They drank more wine than they should have and shared a slice of tiramisu. It was a lovely night and Lovett asked if they could walk home and watch the sunset along the wharf. 

They get home well after dark, feeling giggly and light. 

Lovett kisses him urgently in the hall before Jon has even closed the door. Pundit barks at their feet, demanding attention. “Can we try..?” Lovett asks against Jon’s lips.

Jon’s not going to say no to that. “Yeah, yes, let’s do that,” he says breathlessly. He leans forward and kisses Lovett again, just as urgently as Lovett is responding. He wraps an arm around Lovett’s waist and pulls Lovett into him. He lets out a muffled “omph” and laughs into Jon’s mouth. They stand there in the hall, kissing for long minutes, until Pundit grows impatient and starts tugging at Jon’s pant leg.

“No, angel,” Lovett says. He leans down to pull her away from Jon’s leg. “We don’t bite to get attention.”

“Good to know,” Jon says.

Lovett groans. “Not you,” he replies. “You can definitely do that if you want.”

Jon laughs with his whole body. “Dangerous precedent,” he says once he’s calmed down. “Go feed Pundit and meet me in the bedroom.”

He presses a kiss to Lovett’s lips before he walks down the hall to the bedroom. Lovett’s dirty clothes are on the floor and there’s a pile of random tools and parts on one of the nightstands. Lovett’s quickly made space for himself in Jon’s bedroom. His chest feels warm when he looks at how well Lovett fits in his home.

Jon doesn’t know if they’ll need anything tonight but he checks to make sure he has the basic necessities in the nightstand on his side of the bed. He hears Lovett tell Pundit to stay outside before he sees him. He shuts the door behind him and smiles nervously at Jon.

“Come here,” Jon says, gesturing to the bed. “I promise to bite.”

Lovett lets out a bark of laughter and that seems to loosen his nerves. He joins Jon on the bed and kisses him hard. “You can’t just say things like that,” he says.

Jon bites his lip just to see what Lovett will do. The resulting moan is very rewarding. He bites Lovett’s lip again just to hear more. Jon cups Lovett’s face to tilt his head to the side and kiss him deeper. Lovett holds onto Jon’s sides with both hands, moaning and trying to get even closer to Jon.

“How-how do you want-how should we—” Lovett pants. He’s nearly in Jon’s lap by now. His hair’s a mess from Jon’s hands and his lips are wet and pink.

“Lie back,” Jon says. He shifts so Lovett can move toward the top of the bed and scoot over enough to give Jon room. He lies down on his side next to Lovett and strokes his fingers against Lovett’s cheek. “Is this good?”

Lovett nods and kisses him, bringing both arms up to circle around Jon’s neck. Jon slides a hand down Lovett’s neck and chest, stopping to play with one of Lovett’s nipples. Lovett whimpers into his mouth. Emboldened, Jon reaches down to run his hand under Lovett’s shirt. His hand feels electrified where he touches Lovett’s skin. He finds Lovett’s nipple again and gently rolls it between his thumb and pointer finger.

“Yeah, you can-squeeze harder,” Lovett says and then groans when Jon does just that. 

Jon plays with Lovett’s nipples, delighting in how much it’s making Lovett squirm and whine. He wants to get his mouth on one and see how much more he can rile Lovett up. “Take your shirt off,” he says.

“Oh god, yeah, definitely,” Lovett says, sitting up just enough to get it over his shoulders. He throws it somewhere over Jon’s back. Jon laughs. “What? Don’t laugh, it’s mean.”

“I’ll make it up to you.”

Jon leans down and takes Lovett’s nipple into his mouth, sucking on it and biting just hard enough to make Lovett’s back arch up to get closer to him. He squeezes Lovett’s other nipple hard and earns an “ah, ah, ah” from Lovett.

“You’re trying to kill me,” Lovett says. He pulls Jon up and kisses him deeply. “Get over here.” He pulls Jon on top of him and makes room for him between his legs. Lovett’s hard in his pants and when he rocks up into Jon, they both moan. Lovett feels so good beneath him.

Jon kisses along Lovett’s jaw and down his neck. A part of him hopes he’s leaving marks for others to see—”he’s mine, keep away.” Jon rubs a hand down Lovett’s arm and finds his hand. He takes it in his own and holds it down above their heads, giving it a squeeze. He loves how Lovett’s hand feels in his own, small but strong. 

He doesn’t notice immediately when Lovett stops moving.

“Off, off,” Lovett blurts, pushing at Jon’s shoulder. “You need to get off of me. I can’t-- let me out!”

Jon is off of Lovett in an instant. Lovett has a faraway look in his eyes as he scrambles off of the bed. He blindly reaches for his crutch and rushes into the bathroom, slamming it shut. Jon sits on the bed, confused. What happened? What did he do?

He gets up and cautiously approaches the bathroom door. “Jon? Are you okay?”

He’s met with silence. “Are you hurt? I can get you something for your leg.”

More silence. “Please just tell me if you’re okay.”

A muffled sob. “I’m fine,” Lovett says finally. “Just-just give me a minute.”

Jon’s heart aches. He wants so badly to throw open the door and comfort Lovett. That’s the last thing Lovett probably wants right now; he can be so prickly about touch under the best of circumstances. Jon decides to wait for Lovett on the bed so he doesn’t feel like Jon is crowding him when he comes out.

Jon’s halfway through a message to his mother asking for advice when Lovett comes out of the bathroom. He looks so small hunched over his crutch.

“Hey,” Jon says, putting his PADD down.

Lovett stands awkwardly in front of the bathroom. “Sorry,” he says to the ground.

“Sorry? What are you sorry for?”

He rubs the back of his neck. “For ruining the mood,” he says.

Jon stands up and walks toward Lovett. When Lovett doesn’t back away, he takes a risk and reaches out to place a hand on his arm. “Lovett. Jon, that’s not what matters,” he says firmly. “Are you okay? Is it your leg?”

Lovett shakes his head. He bites his lip then says, “No, my leg’s fine, or no worse at least.”

Jon’s stomach drops. “Was it something I did?”

“It’s fine,” Lovett says. “Really. I-I just overreacted.”

Jon frowns. “Don’t do that,” he says. “You don’t have to spare my feelings. I want to know so I don’t do it again.”

“It was just everything,” Lovett whispers. “You were on top of me and you’re heavier than you look. And then you held my arm down. It was a lot and…”

“And I made you feel trapped?” Jon guesses. Lovett nods. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I won’t do it again.”

“I’ve never had a problem with it before,” Lovett says. 

Jon’s not sure if Lovett really thinks that his preferences should never change or if he’s just trying to make this easier for Jon, but he’s too tired to try and figure it out right now. 

“It’s late,” he says. “Wanna go to sleep? We can watch something for a bit if you want.”

“Yeah,” Lovett says. “I’m gonna get Pundit.”

“Perfect.”

They get into bed. Pundit snuggles between them, no doubt sensing something is off and that Lovett needs a barrier. Jon hates it but at least this way he can get some comfort from Pundit too. Lovett says he’s too tired to watch anything, so they turn off the lights.

It’s awkward sleeping like this. Jon’s gotten used to Lovett falling asleep in his arms.

“I just got spooked,” Lovett says in the dark. “I’m not scared of you, if that’s what you think. I know you’d never hurt me.”

It feels like a weight’s been lifted from Jon’s shoulders. He hadn’t realized that’s what was bothering him. “I wouldn’t,” he says. 

Because I love you.

***

  
Lovett’s been trying to find a therapist that he connects with. It’s proving to be harder than he expected. In the time he’s been back on Earth, he’s seen several. Some were perfectly nice but complete pushovers. One in particular reminded him so much of his grandmother, he felt like he needed to apologize every other sentence for not visiting more often. Forget talking about his trauma or his sex life.

Others were just awful.

Dr. Pirro was a charlatan. He’s not sure she actually has a degree in psychology.

Dr. Bush was so fucking pitiful Lovett felt like he needed to comfort him.

And Dr. Jordan seemed to think yelling was a good form of exposure therapy.

He’s so tired of therapy. He just wants this to be over with. He wants the nightmares and the flashbacks to stop. He wants to fuck his boyfriend without being reminded of the worst day of his life. He hates how angry he is all the time. It’s all so exhausting.

It’s not fair to Jon to have to deal with this all the time. Lovett’s not sure what he did to deserve someone as kind and patient as Jon is with him. He never tells Lovett to calm down or that everything will go back to normal. He’s optimistic but he doesn’t lie to make Lovett feel better. 

He doesn’t look at Lovett like he’s broken, even when all the evidence to the contrary is obvious. Not many people in Lovett’s life are able to do that.

Jon is a good man and he’s good to Lovett. He wants Jon to be right about him, that he’s not too damaged, too bitter and jaded. And he wants this to work between them because Jon is kind and smart and funny. Being with him is easy in the best way. 

And Lovett just might be falling in love with him.

*

  
2247.113

“The good news is that your hip is fine,” Tanya says, showing Lovett the scans she took. The images are incredibly detailed. “I was worried that your injury may have been putting stress on your hip socket, but thankfully, it’s not.”

“That’s good,” he says. “What about the femur?”

She swipes to a different scan, this one of his left femur. Even without a medical degree, Lovett can see the damage the bone took in the fall and plasma blast. He can see the marks on his bone where it fractured. Sometimes he forgets that the bone was basically crushed when debris landed on it. While Ben and the other doctors who first treated him were able to fuse the bone fragments back together, he’d spent so long trapped that he’d lost valuable time. His bone has been fragile ever since.

“There’s extensive damage, as you know. But there’s a new cellular regeneration procedure for bones that I think will be able to repair the bone tissue that was destroyed or damaged by the plasma. Maybe not all of it, but enough to significantly strengthen the bone altogether.”

Lovett blinks back tears. That’s far more than he’d hoped for. He’d been prepared to hear that there wasn’t anything that could be done or that he would need implants to keep the bone from breaking. This is such good news.

“They said that the technology needed to fix the bone was a decade away,” he says. 

Tanya smiles sadly. “There were a lot of people who didn’t think the procedure would work,” he says. “But the study came out last year proving it did and the Federation approved it shortly after. Those doctors should have never told you that.”

Lovett shrugs. “It’s not like it was available at the time anyway.”

“They still shouldn’t have taken away your hope for a treatment.”

“Well, I’m here now,” Lovett says. He doesn’t want to talk about the doctors he saw three years ago.

“Right,” Tanya says. “Let’s talk about your quadricep.”

She pulls up the scans she took of the different muscles in his thigh. They layer one on top of the other starting from the bone all the way to the front of his thigh. The closer to the surface each scan gets, the more damage appears on the screen.

“This is the Rectus femoris,” Tanya says. She points to the muscle at the very front of his thigh. “It took the most damage, first from the plasma and then from the debris. You can see that scar tissue from when the doctors tried to knit the muscle back together.”

Lovett knows all of this. He remembers how the doctors told him that there hadn’t been much muscle left but they’d been able to mend it. In time, they said they could regenerate some of the muscle tissue, but there was no guarantee it would ever be strong enough to carry his weight. He’d proven them wrong eventually.

“The scar tissue is extensive,” Tanya continues, “which will mean we will need to do multiple rounds of treatment to break it down so new, healthy muscle cells can grow.”

“How much new tissue?”

Tanya smiles. “Lovett, all of it.”

Lovett doesn’t stop the tears this time. “All-all of it?” he asks. “How? The doctors—”

“The doctors were wrong,” she says. “You should have been seeing specialists from the very beginning. It’s no wonder you stopped treatment. I would have too if every doctor I saw told me there was no hope for regaining full function of my leg.”

“Full function?” 

“Yeah. With time and physical therapy, of course. But I don’t see why a year from now you couldn’t be running again.”

Lovett covers his face with his hands as he breaks down. Running? He would have been happy to just get back to not needing the crutch or a cane. This is more than he imagined possible when he agreed to stay on Earth for an examination. Sure, Abdul said technology had improved over the last three years, but Lovett hadn’t really believed him. He’d been told to expect a decade before he could expect a full recovery.

“I don’t know how much to thank you,” he says when he’s wiped his face.

“You say that now,” Tanya says, “but just wait until physical therapy. Tell me how much you thank me then.”

“I accept that challenge,” Lovett says happily.

*

  
2247.114

The less said about Dr. Gaetz the better.

***

2247.121

Dr. Somanader comes out into the waiting room with a huge smile on her face.

“It was successful,” she says proudly. “It’ll take a few days of bedrest to make sure the cells in the bone aren’t disturbed while they finish regenerating, but I was able to repair all the damage.”

Jon leaps up from his seat and gives her a hug. “Thank you so much,” he says. “You don’t know how much all your work means to him-- to us.”

“We’re not done yet,” she reminds him. “There’s still the muscle regeneration and physical therapy.”

Jon nods. He blinks back the sting of tears in his eyes and asks, “Can I see him?”

“He’s a little out of it still,” she warns. “But you can come back.”

Lovett is sitting, propped up by pillows, on a bed in the room Dr. Somanader leads him to. He’s talking to a nurse, slurring his words just a bit and using one hand to punctuate the points he’s making. The nurse is checking his vitals with a bemused look on their face.

“...and then T’mmy said that Vulcans don’t eat dessert!” he exclaims. “He’s only half Vulcan! He can get some cake!”

Jon laughs. He makes a note to verify the veracity of that with Tommy the next time he talks to him.

Lovett turns when he hears Jon laugh. “Jon! Hey, look it’s Jon!” he tells the nurse. “That’s my boyfriend. Isn’t he pretty?”

“Oh boy,” Jon intones.

“Jon, Jon, come here! You’re so far away. Why are you so far away?”

Jon walks over to Lovett’s bed and places a kiss on his forehead. “I’m here now,” he whispers.

“You should kiss me for real,” Lovett says matter-of-factly.

“Not a chance,” Jon says. Lovett pouts. “Not gonna work on me, but nice try.”

“Ugh, you’re no fun.”

Jon and the nurse share a glance and a chuckle at Lovett’s theatrics. 

“Where’s Pundit?” Lovett asks. “Why isn’t Pundit here? Did something happen to her? Jon, where is she?”

“Hey, hey, she’s fine,” Jon soothes. “She’s at home waiting for us.”

“Promise?” Lovett asks, eyes shining. Jon loves him so much.

“I promise. She’ll be right at the door as soon as we get home.”

Lovett smiles. “Okay, good,” he says. “I love Pundit so much. Almost as much as I love you—wait, no. More. Sorry. I love Pundit more than you. She cuddles with me when you go to work.”

Jon stares. What is he supposed to say to that? He hasn’t even told Lovett how he feels yet and Lovett’s very high right now. He might not even mean it.

The nurse gives him a wide-eyed look and then makes a hasty exit.

“I’m sure-uh-Pundit will be glad to know you love her so much,” Jon says. He runs a hand through Lovett’s curls. “You can tell her when we get home.”

Lovett nuzzles Jon’s palm. “Hmmm, I can’t wait,” he says. “It’s not home without you and Pundit.”

***

2247.125

Physical therapy is awful, but he’s sure as fuck not going to let Tanya know that.

*

2247.131

“I’m sorry again for blowing up at you in our last session,” Lovett says awkwardly. He’s sitting on the most comfortable loveseat he’s ever sat on in Dr. Black’s office. Pundit is in his lap this time; something Dr. Black—”Please, call me Emily.”—suggested he try when she called to check on him.

“I accept your apology,” she says with a calm smile. She sits across from him. Her long blonde hair piled into a messy bun at the top of her hair. She has a PADD out next to her, but so far she hasn’t touched it. 

This is the first time Lovett’s seen a therapist more than once. Emily doesn’t look fazed when he tells her this; she just nods and asks him why he thinks he’s given her another chance. 

He shrugs. “You didn’t take my bullshit personally,” he says. “I guess I just felt like I could trust you to not hold it against me.”

“Is that something that happens a lot? People holding your anger against you?”

“Sometimes,” he says. “I’ve been pretty awful to some of the people I care about the most, some more than others. Tommy’s dealt with a lot of my shit.”

“What has he said to you after you’ve said or done something to him out of anger?” she asks.

“Uh, usually he calls me stubborn or that I let my emotions have too much control. He’s half Vulcan, so he thinks everything can be solved by controlling your emotions.”

“For him, it might be,” she says. “For others, emotions are just signposts that lead them to understanding themselves better. I’m not going to tell you how to feel or how much to feel, Lovett. That’s for you to decide.”

The hour goes on like that. Emily calmly asks him questions and gives Lovett time to answer. She doesn’t judge him for anything he says. They don’t talk about his accident or how badly he’s dealt with it. They don’t even talk about his treatment. Mostly they talk about his friends.

Toward the end of the hour, Lovett brings up Jon. Tells her about how Jon is patient and funny; how he takes care of Pundit like she was his own dog. “You care about him a lot,” she says.

“Yeah, I really do.”

*

  
2247.154

Jon said he didn’t want anything special for his birthday, but Lovett couldn’t let the day go uncelebrated. He makes a cake himself and even buys Pundit a bowtie to wear for the occasion. He puts on his best shirt and jeans, which admittedly isn’t as fancy as Pundit’s bowtie, but at least it’s clean. And on the table next to the cake, he places the gift he made.

“Lovett, you didn’t have to do all this,” Jon says when he gets home. He kisses Lovett and gives Pundit a belly rub. “Oh, look at you, all dressed up in a bowtie. Are we going somewhere fancy, Pundo?”

“I thought we could try that new seafood place you keep talking about,” Lovett says. “They allow dogs on the patio.”

“That sounds great,” Jon says. “Let me get changed and we can go.”

Lovett reaches out to grab Jon’s arm to keep him from leaving. “Before you do that,” he says, “open your present.”

He hands Jon the carefully wrapped present. “I made this for you.”

Jon gives him a gap toothed smile and tears open the blue wrapping paper. He opens the box and takes out the silver, oval pendant inside. It’s hanging on a matching silver chain and covered in a delicate swirling pattern. “It’s beautiful,” Jon says.

“It’s a two-way communicator,” Lovett explains. He pulls out its twin from under his shirt. “They can send and receive messages from each other, and I’ve made them powerful enough that they can connect to any of the relay stations in Federation space as long as they're in range. That way we can always reach each other, no matter how far away.”

Jon stares at Lovett for a moment and then surges forward to kiss him again. “I love you,” he says. “I love you so much, Lovett.”

Lovett bites his lip. He worked on this with Emily last week. “I love you too,” he says. “I-I want to be with you for as long as you’ll have me.”

Jon puts on the necklace and kisses Lovett sweetly. “How about forever?”

**Author's Note:**

> Notes about issues of disability and PTSD:
> 
> Lovett was in a very bad accident aboard a Starfleet starship three years prior to this fic. As a consequence, he lost a lot of mobility in his left leg. In the fic he requires the use of an elbow crutch. His frustration about this is, in part, because of how slow his recovery has been. Lovett also suffers from untreated PTSD. He has flashback to the accident and nightmares. His emotions can be all over the place, and he's very angry for awhile. This fic mainly focuses on his recovery, both physically and emotionally.


End file.
